


Mantra

by Merakintsugi, teuriina, ThatYellowFlower



Category: Tennis no Oujisama | Prince of Tennis
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Future, Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-20
Updated: 2016-02-20
Packaged: 2018-05-22 01:31:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6065665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merakintsugi/pseuds/Merakintsugi, https://archiveofourown.org/users/teuriina/pseuds/teuriina, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatYellowFlower/pseuds/ThatYellowFlower
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story of two lost people, chasing the person they always longed for, finding solace in each other. (RyoSaku Adult AU)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mantra

**Author's Note:**

  * For [neko11lover](https://archiveofourown.org/users/neko11lover/gifts).



> For the RyoSaku Exchange 2015.  
> A collaboration by teuriina and ThatYellowFlower for neko11lover.
> 
> Story outline and proofread by ThatYellowFlower.  
> Story presentation inspired by Rainbow Rowell and ThatYellowFlower.  
> Written by teuriina.
> 
> All disclaimers apply.

**SAKUNO**

"WHO IS YOUR IMMEDIATE BOSS? WHO?!" the head of the CSR team was shouting at me.

"You, sir," I answered.

"THEN WHY THE HECK DID YOU GO TO THE COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR?!"

"I wasn't able to get in touch with you over the weekend…t-the project needed to be approved immediate—" I tried to reason.

But he cut me off, "DO YOU REALIZE THAT ACCOUNTABILITY WAS LOST BECAUSE OF YOUR ASSUMPTIONS? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! WHY ARE YOU EVEN IN THIS COMPANY! JUST GO NOW. GO!"

"Yes, sir."

I went straight to the ladies' room after that. To cry, of course, silently inside one of the cubicles. That was not the first time I made a big mistake. That was not the first time I got a scolding from my boss. But that was honestly the worst. I had started questioning myself.

I, Ryuzaki Sakuno at age 23, am lost and unsure of what to pursue in my life. First, they told me I lack a lot of creativity, which was why they transferred me from advertising to marketing. Second, I was reprimanded for being timid and not meeting my sales. Third, they put me in PR instead, hoping that I can pull something off from my supposedly "heart of gold" and communication skills. I was expected to do well in the corporate social responsibility aspects. But the business world was not just a philanthropic journey for the idealist. It's reality. At the end of the day, it's work…and I'm just no good at it…

Most of my colleagues were nice, to be honest. Apart from me beating myself up every time I was lectured were a few people who were truly understanding and showed concern. That helped me get by. At least, for the day.

I fished for my keys and opened the door to my apartment. I laid my things on the table and after much musings and dwelling from the very fresh misfortunes, I rested my eyes on my laptop and found myself excited, nervous, hopeful, anxious…conflicted, as always. As always, when it came to him.

I turned my computer on. _What the heck, Sakuno. Just what the heck are you doing… You already know what you're going to see. Why don't you just stop rubbing salt on open wounds and move on with your life?! Everybody's moved on with their lives but here you are! Stuck in the past and thinking what you could've done better! As if that will make a change!_

I logged into my Facebook account and checked the messages. _It said he's already seen it. But he hasn't replied…he hasn't replied once… Nothing's new, right? So what was I expecting? It's always been this way._

 _Sakuno, just stop it. This is so desperate._ I told myself as I rubbed my eyes, hoping that that will stop whatever was coming out. I stretched my fingers, reached for the mouse, and did whatever masochistic cyber stalker did, went to his profile and browsed at how happy, wonderful, and thankful he was without me in his life.

You couldn't say he was not into social media. Because I was seeing his updates. When events were tagged, when he commented on gags, when photos were tagged, that he still kept in touch with our batchmates…I saw it all…even _those_. Even _them_. And a smart young lady should've blocked him ages ago if he was that unhealthy to her. But not me. Because I was even the one who added him a couple of years ago. And I even found myself giddy that he accepted my request.

For some reason, I couldn't stop. I couldn't completely detach myself from him. I wanted to hold on to anything that I could. I browsed through his photos and I saw _it_. Again. I saw _them_. And that was when I started to consider, "Maybe I should quit my job and Facebook altogether?" warm tears were falling from my eyes.

An episode of flashbacks occurred to me again.

xxx

"Who are you?" he asked me.

"Eh—" I was not able to say anything in reply. Even if I tried, I couldn't hide my disappointment of being the most forgettable person.

xxx

"Your hair is too long."

 _"But…I like it this way…"_ I told myself.

How many times did he have to state, that something was wrong with me?

xxx

"Not there yet."

"…" I cried. And ran. Which I later regretted. Perhaps…yes, that was truly petty and weak. But when you're a twelve year old…it was undoubtedly heartbreaking. Hard work and determination can truly give you good marks at school, but having crushes had a different grading system.

xxx

_No words. Just glances, gentle smiles, …and nods. Sheer understanding. Pure synchronization. But not with me. I was out of the circle._

I stayed there, behind the tree, clutching the banner that I pulled an all-nighter for just to finish. Just to welcome him back and cheer for him that day.

But I only found myself near crying, a heavy burden weighing on my back, sinking my heart to my stomach.

_No words. Just glances, gentle smiles, …and nods. Sheer understanding. Pure synchronization. But never with me._

I swallowed and stepped back at the same time, finding the strength to turn away and admit defeat for that day.

I walked forward with the image still freshly burning my eyes, he was happy, it showed too evidently. He felt happy seeking for his approval. And somehow I just knew, that when Tezuka-senpai bowed his head to acknowledge his win, Ryoma-kun was requited.

 _No words. Just glances, gentle smiles, and_ _…nods. Sheer understanding. Pure synchronization. But never with me. I was out of his circle._

". . ."

But perhaps…just today? Tomorrow? Maybe? Please… _Please._

xxx

"Why did you follow me?"

"I'm sorry…"

"Isn't it way harder to make it taste bad?"

_I'm sorry…_

". . ."

"Can I eat it?"

"But it's on the ground…"

"IT'S GOOD!"

I smiled.

 _Thank you._ I meant.

I was grateful…and sorrowful at the same time. A certain warmth, a certain welcome, the certain words, a certain appreciation…all came. But never from where I wished they would.

And then suddenly—

"Let's go, Ryuzaki."

". . ."

"A-Are you sure?"

 _Are you sure?_ I was thinking out loud, I was asking myself. Are you sure?

**RYOMA**

_Well. What was this anyway?_ I asked myself while trying to force myself to move. To open my eyes and finally wake up. Any minute then the stewardess would come, so I saved myself from the bother and opened my eyes and did some humble stretching.

They were making announcements about the departure and I prompted to getting my bag like everyone else did. I fetched my other luggage, press cons would start the next day, which to me was honestly the most exhausting part more than the matches themselves, so I really couldn't wait to get to my hotel as soon as possible.

Berlin had…always been something to me. A place I'd always wanted to go to for some reason. For _that_ reason. And when I was finally there again, I couldn't think of any other reason why I was there in the first place. Why after so many years, we'll finally meet again. That had got to be the reason. There's no other way…

When I got to my hotel room, I immediately dove into my bed. I could never seem to get used to the jetlag. They were really taking their toll on me.

I shifted my position to face the ceiling and pulled my phone out of my pants' pocket. I directed to sending my mom a message that I arrived safely in Germany.

And there it was again.

Sometimes, oftentimes, when I was alone like this, idled, I can't help but feel…lost. If not at all empty.

I stared at the ceiling for a little while longer. _Yes, yes, Echizen Ryoma. This was what you wanted. This was what you've always wanted. To beat everybody, to be better than your brother, to surpass your father. To see him again. To play him again. To win against him again._ To win him again. _You'd finally do it. So you're not supposed to be this way. To feel this way. Just no. Enough already._

_Ding._

A faint sound and vibration caught my attention as a small portrait popped on my screen.

"Good luck on your upcoming match, Ryoma-kun. I wish you well."

I stared at the screen for a while. Alternately looking at her photo and message.

I brushed my thumb against her miniature self. And I found myself sitting up. "Thank you" I started to type. I looked at her photo one more time. And erased what I was about to send.

For there it was again.

Sometimes, oftentimes, when idled, I can't help but feel empty. If not lost.

* * *

"Guten tag, buchou. Long time, no see," I flashed before him with a smile. And he nodded, like he usually did towards every greeting.

I wanted to say more actually, I might have rehearsed a couple of lines. But who was I kidding? I looked at him, observing his profile, as if trying to salvage what I can, what I had. But there wasn't much left.

_"One set match, Echizen to serve."_

There wasn't the same expectation, the subtle adoration. Those brown eyes stared neutrally, and I've never felt any emptier and more lost than before.

Isn't this what you wanted? I was able to have that dream, for myself. _For us._ I came here. For that. _For you._

 _"Game and match, Kunimitsu Tezuka._ "

* * *

"Saa, Echizen. It's really been a long while, hasn't it?"

"Yeah."

"But you'll really be surprised of how much Mitsu had changed," Fuji-senpai declared while going through his camera and laptop.

"Really?" I tried to smile in response, as if I hadn't noticed the drastic changes myself.

 _Because we're sportsmen._ Fuji-senpai once said. Because we're sportsmen.

I repeated the word to myself, trying to carve the meaning in me, _sportsmen_. I sat there with the two of them right in front of me, beside each other.

The gentle gazes and smiles, the casual rubbing of forehands. No words. Just understanding. But not with me. Not anymore. I was out of the circle.

"Here's a nice photo of you two earlier. I'll upload this, okay? I'll tag you, Echizen," senpai said.

"Sure," I smiled. _Because I was a sportsman._

* * *

I was arranging my things before officially leaving the hotel when I realized that I could not find my passport. I groaned at the part that I have to take out everything I just put in my bag.

I searched the mini and hidden pockets and was glad to find my passport. But at the same time I also found a small old folded paper. I was about to throw it away when I noticed its red print.

I could barely read what it said. But I knew what it was. And suddenly, I remembered…

xxx

"Hey, that Asian kid is going against Novak Djokovic. Talk about guts."

"He seems very puny."

"Exactly."

_Whatever they say doesn't really matter. They don't matter to me. Only one person matters. And what he says is what's important to me._

I tried to give myself that pep talk. I was constantly telling myself that I was doing this for myself. I was doing this for the people who believed in me. And he believed in me. So I was also doing this for him…

"What did I tell you?"

"Yeah. He's puny alright. What were they thinking of putting that kid in the match."

"I heard he was really good."

"Was."

_It didn't bother me. They didn't bother me._

_They didn't bother me._ I kept repeating that to myself. _They didn't bother me._ But they did…they always did.

I tried to keep my composure and just accept things as graciously as I can. I was in the locker room packing my things when I saw her again. I took the paper out of my bag's pocket. _Why the heck do I even keep this with me?_

_"It's alright, Ryoma-kun. I know something good will come out of it in the end..."_

I smiled. Somehow…I felt a little better.

xxx

I swallowed right then and found myself sitting back in my made bed. I took my phone out and opened her messages.

"Good luck on your upcoming match, Ryoma-kun. I wish you well."

"Congratulations on winning the French Open."

"I just saw your commercial earlier. It must be great that they have Ponta in the US now."

"I heard a storm will hit the state this month? Please be careful."

"Hi, Ryoma-kun. I hope to hear from you soon. We miss you. I miss you."

_"It's alright, Ryoma-kun. I know something good will come out of it in the end…"_

And there it was again.

When idled, I can't help but feel empty. Like I've lost something very, very important.

But at that moment, I finally understood why I found myself in Germany again. Why I met him again. It was not for him. It was for me. For _us_.

**SAKUNO**

"You're too harsh on yourself, Sakuno," Tomo-chan begun. "You're intelligent! You're beautiful! And on top of that, you have the best personality I've ever known! Don't beat yourself up, love."

"You're just—"

"And don't tell me I'm just saying this because you're my best friend. Well there's that, but not only that! I'm saying this to you because that is the truth! ...Sakuno," she took my hand, "we're just 23. It's not the end of your career yet. It hardly began. Everything is learnable. You always have a choice. If plan A doesn't work, we have the rest of the alphabet to back us up." She smiled and added, "And all of the other Japanese characters!"

I smiled at Tomo-chan, genuinely.

"I have to go now," she looked at her wrist watch, "will you be okay?" she asked and I nodded. Tomo-chan hugged me and rubbed my back one last time, "Just go to our fancy coffee shop. Drink your fancy coffee, so you can have fancy thoughts for your next fancy assignment."

I cackled at her fancy references. "Thank you, I'll call you later," and we parted ways.

* * *

I was reading the newspaper at the coffee shop owned by Tomo-chan's family. I was skimming the sports section when I read the headlines.

_Ryoma-kun lost…to Tezuka-senpai?_

I immediately fished for my phone to do the obvious, send him a message.

**RYOMA**

I was a little skeptical, and nervous, if I found the right place. But when I saw her, I felt calm more than anxious, far from what I was expecting. And I couldn't help but smile at how she read too close to the paper while adjusting her glasses.

I noticed that she wasn't sharing the table with anyone, so I decided to have my order taken. She took her phone out and as if she was contemplating to send a message. It took the whole time for my coffee to be made before she finally put down her phone.

_Ding._

And I heard mine.

I felt my chest tighten. I felt my phone on my pants' pocket while still looking at her. She didn't seem to notice me. I took my phone out. It was her.

 _"I read the results. I really hope you_ ' _re doing okay, Ryoma-kun."_

I looked at her after reading. And smiled.

**SAKUNO**

"I am now," I thought someone said to me. I looked at the figure above me and where the voice came from.

He was smiling.

I felt pain in my chest.

**RYOMA**

She was…obviously surprised. Like her glossy brown eyes suddenly became teary. She was flushing. I could kiss her then.

I never knew how much I missed her until she was right there in front of me. I wanted to kiss her right at that moment. So badly. As if I wanted to compensate for all of those years I had taken her for granted. _I wanted her._

"May…I join you?" I asked.

**SAKUNO**

I flinched a little and blinked a few times. I hoped it wasn't so obvious that I was trying to comprehend what all of these was. Like I was trying to snap back to reality.

"Y-Yeah. Sure, go ahead," I said with a smile and he sat on the chair across mine.

**RYOMA**

We were silent. Her hands were a little too shaky. Was I always making her that nervous? I looked at her and she was staring at me but she immediate bowed her head when our eyes met.

"S-So…" she started, "uhm…how is…Ryoma-kun?" she smiled.

I smiled back, "Great. You?"

**SAKUNO**

I wanted to lie. But I couldn't. Ryoma-kun…always made me feel this way… A little insecure, it made me want to hide. Now I know why I always sent him those messages even if he was ignoring me, even if he never answered once.

I was scared. Sending him messages, there was that kind of comfort from realizing that I could say what I wanted, and he would never answer back. It was my defense mechanism. I knew that then, from seeing him here. I was afraid that he can immediately answer back. I was afraid of rejection and took comfort from chasing him to justify my mediocrity.

But this, he was right in front of me. And I couldn't explain it. Something was rushing inside of me. Something familiar. Like something I'd lost through the years… And it was as if…I wanted to catch up.

_I wanted him._

_I wanted him back._

"Not as talkative as you are on Facebook, huh?" he smirked.

Was I leering?

I swallowed, looked down at my coffee, and finally asked what I always wanted to ask, "You never replied to any of my messages… Why was that?"

**RYOMA**

Of course she will ask that. I felt nervous at the thought of her being angry. And at that time, I could not afford to be a jerk. I needed to tell her. Honestly.

"It's not that I didn't want to answer you back… I just…didn't know what to say at that time. Those times…" I tried my best not to sound desperate.

She looked back at me. And she smiled and nodded. Why? How does she do that? Just take everything in, and smile.

I did check on her. But I just needed to be sure, "Are you going out with someone? Are you married yet?"

"N-No. N-Not yet… And Ryoma-kun?" she asked.

I shook my head, "Same. But I'm planning to. Very soon. Hopefully."

"Oh…" her voice fell. "Congratulations, then?" she smiled again. Warmly that time.

We were silent again for a while when she asked again, "So… What is Ryoma-kun doing here? Shouldn't you be in London for Wimbledon?"

I nodded, "I just forgot something."

"What is that?"

"Ryuzaki," I took her hand with mine. It was cold and somewhat calloused like mine. "I missed you. And…I don't really want to miss you anymore. Come with me, please? Let's start over."

She smiled. And at that time I was sure tears were in the corner of her eyes. She looked straight at me with her smile, so gentle and warm.

And she took her hand back.

And gave a little laugh.

"It doesn't work that way, Ryoma-kun," she wiped her tears, still laughing, as if I was asking for the impossible.

Maybe I was.

**THREE YEARS LATER**

Sometimes, oftentimes…

_"Ryoma-kun, I made you breakfast today."_

…when idled…

_"It's alright, Ryoma-kun. Everything's going to be okay."_

…I can't help but feel lost…

_"Ryoma-kun…"_

"Ryoma-kun!"

"What?"

"Breakfast is ready! I don't want to be late for my flight. Come on—"

I grabbed her to go back to bed with me and wrapped my arms around her, "Just five— ten more minutes, please? I won't be seeing you until next month…"

She hugged me back. "Everything's going to be okay, Ryoma-kun. I'll be back before you know it."

"I know. Just…stay with me here for a while."

"We'll be late for my flight, dummy," she kissed my forehead. "Come on…I made Japanese breakfast…" she was trying to loosen my hug.

But I held her closer. And tighter, "I love you."

"I love you too…"

"Do you really have to go back just for them to change your author name?"

"Yes… That's my first book. I want to have my author name changed. Don't you want me to?"

"Of course I do, Echizen Sakuno."

Just ten more minutes.

I want to kiss you more.

xxx

She took her hand back.

"It doesn't work that way, Ryoma-kun," I thought she was laughing.

But she was actually crying.

"You don't just ignore me for years and then show up when it's convenient for you. I have my own life. I have a career to think about. You don't just…settle for me simply because you have nothing left."

"I'm not settling for you just because. Ryuzaki…you're not some rebound," I tried to reason.

"Then what am I to you? Why now?"

What was she to me? Why now? I couldn't answer her. I didn't know the answer myself.

I grabbed her hand, "Do you still love me?" I asked.

She shook her head, "It doesn't work that—"

I held her tighter, "Then how does it work? Tell me. Because I love you. And that's one thing I'm sure about. I love you, Ryuzaki Sakuno. So tell me how it works, because this time I'll be the one to wait for you… It's my turn, Ryuzaki. …I want you."

I couldn't help it. It were as if I was spilling.

"…Do you still love me?" I asked again.

xxx

"Call me when you get there, okay?" I asked her as I helped her with her luggage.

"Of course," she smiled and looked around the airport, "Ryoma-kun."

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

I brushed her hair to the back of her ear, "For what?"

"For waiting for me."

"We make things work." I smiled back, "And no, thank you."

xxx

"…Do you still love me?" I asked again.

"I've…never wanted you before…as much as I want you right now."

###

 _"Love and action always imply a failure, but this failure must not keep us from loving and acting._  
_For we have not only to establish what our situation is, we have to choose it in the very heart of its ambiguity."_  
_— Simone de Beauvoir_


End file.
